I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
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Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I’m giving up for Lent.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!