When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
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me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
August 8
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)