“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
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– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
“Sheer Arrogance”
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
I have a black belt in leather
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it