Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
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[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
had to share :’)
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.