Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
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I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.