How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
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Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.