[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
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A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”