Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
You Might Also Like
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Worlds greatest photobomb
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]