So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
You Might Also Like
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
lost dog
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of