Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
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I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁