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“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume