Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
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Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them