Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
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guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating