STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
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WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there