How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
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Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.