Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
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CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!