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me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.