due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
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moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.