It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
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Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
What number SPF blocks people?
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win