new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
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[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”