no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
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me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Meow
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.