i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
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Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.