My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
You Might Also Like
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.