Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
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The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!