Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
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What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
The first matador
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.