*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
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Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Bond. Trauma bond.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?