And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
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People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.