It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
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I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
That’s enough internet for the day
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Perfect
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn