Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
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Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Don’t we all.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
He took my last fry, your honor
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night