While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
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Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
this makes me so uncomfortable
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.