My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
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Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Go hard or stay average
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.