If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
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Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat