ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
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If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
This headline is a thing of beauty
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go