wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
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{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Basketball
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
That 👊
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
This is my bus stop.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
The check engine light came on inside my oven.