[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
You Might Also Like
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun