Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
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Matt Goss
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed