[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
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[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
this will hang in the louvre one day
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
love it when they get my name right
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.