I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
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Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
I want what they have
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?