That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
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11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
This is not me but this is me
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work