I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
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Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.