When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
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Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.