My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
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You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life