Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
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He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
What a website
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.