[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
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“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
I found your tweet-up…
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
This is true.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?