Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
You Might Also Like
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Did my cat write this
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up