Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
You Might Also Like
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Body by cheese-puffs.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.