This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
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Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.