I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
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The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.