I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
You Might Also Like
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.