That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
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Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
…..pretty much.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky